My Thoughts on Life, Love, Music, etc...

It’s been a while but…

Wow—what a quarter it has been!  For me that whole “Euphoric Freshman Feeling” kind of wore off as things became a bit more routine this quarter.  However, I don’t mind because I absolutely still love it here and have been thinking about my future more and more.

I am a bit petrified about this weekend.  DM is kind of going to eat me and I really don’t know if I want to go through with it.  It’s not that I am scared about physically dancing that long. I just know that by the end I am going to be so irritable and the weekend will have been sort of wasted—-I don’t mean to be a downer or a heartless person (obviously I raised the money and all.)  I just have so much work that will be due for finals next week—Comm doesn’t have a reading week—and I will be DEAD TIRED!

—what did I get myself into?

Ahh—-it’s that time of year!

See, I never really viewed Valentines Day as a bad thing at all…

Yes, I have never really had a “special someone” on Valentines Day, but I would never begrudge my friends their happiness.  Furthermore, V-day can be seen as a great time to spread all types of love—-contacting friends, family, all the people that matter.  Sure, I don’t expect chocolates or candies or flowers, but it’s really fine.  I mean, I see Valentine’s Day as a hopeful day and I don’t think bitterness or jealousy help anyone.

One day these things will happen, and I just have to have some hope!

Head exploding in 5,4,3,2,1…

Well, as most of us can probably say, this week has been exceedingly busy and I am surely looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

This whole week my body has been fighting off sickness so fiercely (way to go immune system!), but alas I find myself coughing, my head aching, and my nose—-well you get the idea.  Despite the physical symptoms, I actually feel more emotionally healthy than I have felt in a long while.  I have been exceedingly productive this week and because I have not been physically well, I gravitate toward my bed to read or type out a paper.

I think I simply just do not have the time or energy to worry about any emotional baggage I might be feeling.  When you are too busy to care, you get over it.  As I am of the belief that all things happen for a reason, perhaps me being sick was a bit of a blessing in disguise.  It was my body’s way of saying, “Come on now, get a hold of yourself, focus on what’s important, and catch up on some sleep.”  Now, I’m not saying that I like being under the weather (I think we can all agree that sucks), but the indirect consequences have not been half bad.  Staying in my room for the most of the week has allowed me to spend quality me-time, with intruders coming to me if they really felt so inclined.  Having people come to talk to me for a change rather than being proactive and giving myself over to them was certainly refreshing.

Definitely Flawed—-but it’s really fine

I have learned that as a person, I am flawed.

I have idiosyncratic tendencies, I am weird, I can be awkward, I make awful awful attempts at humor that usually result in people laughing at my idiocy….

—-but, I think I’m cool with it. 

There isn’t one among us who isn’t somehow flawed and although we may want to change things about ourselves, we really should learn to own what we do have.  I know that for the most part, I am stable and completely in charge of my own destiny as I plunge forward through college, relationships, career, etc…

I’ve definitely been down and out.  I definitely am vulnerable.  I definitely question this world, and myself, and my actions.  I definitely overanalyze everything around me.

But who’s to say that any of this is bad??

The only real trouble comes when I let myself doubt that I am okay based on what others think.  And I don’t really know if I am me in my own right, or if I am me because of how everybody else sees me.  But for every person that causes me to doubt myself, there is one who completely understands me.

The minute I can let go and realize that not everybody is going to like me, understand me, see my reasoning as just, or recognize the complexities of human nature, I can release myself, live and let live.

This is not to say that I won’t continue to question my sanity and make myself vulnerable, and, perhaps, even let it eat away at me—-these elements are all part of who I am.

But through all of this, I will know that it’s all perfectly valid.  I will question, I will contradict, I will have realizations, epiphanies, changes of heart, and I will live my life knowing full well that I have power over my destiny.  I do these things to myself.  I have choice and responsibility.

Music and Life…

Do you ever feel like music is somehow orgasmic?

Or sometimes, music is just so incredibly true to life and helps to calm me, quell my fears, and serve as an indicator that my feelings are human.  So many before me have felt things, and so many after me will feel similar things and everyone’s thoughts are absolutely, positively valid.  Sometimes I fear that I feel too much or that I am supersensitive, but then I remember that this is something that I should own.  I should absolutely embrace it, embody it, apply it to my own music and writing because I can.  In turn, it is my sincerest hope that my creations effect others the same way so many artists before me have effected me.

But, back to music being orgasmic—-sometimes the actual music itself, the sound, the compilation, the simplicity, the texture of the voices physically gives me the shivers, the sweats, and is a kind of journey for my body and mind.  I truly can lose myself in what it is that I am listening to…

…usually this is late at night, when I am already somewhat delirious, easily wowed by what is around me, and stopping to sigh after a long day.

Music can rev me up on a Saturday night, remind me of some special occasion from my past, or serve as background as I study…

—but my favorite music is the type that helps me to relax.  The type that is a sort of narcotic or sedative for my nerves.  It’s almost like a drug…

—Is my need for music an addiction?  Perhaps…

I have even mentioned to friends that silent periods scare me.  I find them awkward, uncomfortable, and dead.

As I sit writing, and listening to my “Chillax” list, I can’t help but smile and wish that my life had its own soundtrack…